There comes a time in every horoscope writer’s life when she is asked to unlock the cheesy mysteries of her own sign. For this author, that time has come. One would think that would make for the easiest assignment; that I could simply pick my faves and pronounce them “Tauresean” (rhymes with Parisian, obviously,) and yet, it seems like a lot more is at stake to make sure I get them really right this month. Then again, maybe there is something more than just self-consciousness at work here; the hallmark of any good zodiac interpreter is to be able to channel the particular energy of the sign at hand and act accordingly. On that score, I have to say that the Aries ideas came hot and fast, which is very much in accordance with the zodiac firestarters. Technically I should be channeling Taurus all of the damn time—I’m not even close to cusping either Aries or Gemini—but I am feeling extra sluggish and stubborn about proclaiming the cheesy gifts befitting the bulls of the world, which kind of feels like I have doubled down on my Taurus attributes for the occasion, as is evidenced by the ever-increasing length of this intro paragraph. (*Closes up laptop momentarily for a little catnap in the cozy corner of the couch…*)
Then again, it would be an easy, lazy out—and yet still completely on Taurus brand—to just simply pick the richest, priciest, cow’s milk cheeses and call it day, which turns out to be a strategy that produces some of my faves, so here we are back at the possibility of a simple exercise in zodiac self-awareness. With that, here are 5 cheesy gifts to indulge your pleasure-seeking Taurus friends, or with which to indulge yourself if you really want to celebrate the spirit of the bull this month. As one famous Taurus TV character once said many, many times over: “TREAT YO’SELF.” (If you know, you know.)
Vacherin courtesy of Cheeses from Switzerland
Vacherin Mont d’Or
The catch-22 of proclaiming Vacherin Mont d’Or (or even its American tribute counterpart, Rush Creek Reserve,) a hallmark, Taurus cheese, is that the likelihood of getting this seasonal, winter milk cheese in late April to early May is slim. (You could always gift it to your Taurus friends for Christmas, however.) But it really is the most Tauresean of cheeses, made from extra-rich milk from Alpine cows after they’ve come back to the barn for the winter, feeding on carbs, delighting in laziness, and not worrying about bathing suit season coming any time soon. The root word “vach” here literally means cow. (Consequently, it is also the root of my surname, which perhaps makes me the most Taurus writer ever, so somebody please just find me some Vacherin this month, okay?)
Delice courtesy of Dairy Products from France
Délice de Bourgogne
To really get into a Taurus mindset, ask yourself: why settle for double crème when you could have triple crème? Rich, dreamy Délice de Bourgogne is about as close as one could get to eating butter outright and calling it a snack, which would be a very Taurus thing to do, if we weren’t so concerned about seeming like we have great taste and sophistication. Plus it’s a particularly excellent cheese to pair with Champagne, and if there’s one sure way to a Taurus’s heart, it’s through your bank account.
Tete de Moine courtesy of Cheeses from Switzerland
Tête de Moine
Tauruses are earthy, sensual creatures who love to be showered with gifts that appeal to all of the senses. An aromatic bouquet of flowers will always be pleasing, but if those flowers are made from aromatic, lacy cheese petals? Now you’ve really got the bull by the horns. Switzerland’s Tête de Moine also necessitates a special rotary tool—a girolle—with which to shave those fancy petals, meaning that you will have spent more money in the process, which will not go unnoticed here.
“The Oxford Companion to Cheese,” edited by Catherine Donnelly and Mateo Kehler
Not every book deserves to be called a tome, but with over 850 entries dedicated to the exploration of the more than 1400 named cheeses of the world, “The Oxford Companion to Cheese” is definitely one that does. It’s not so much that Tauruses are the most likely to take this on for being the most cerebral or studious people in the zodiac, it’s that giving a book of this length to a Taurus means giving them the gift that they most crave: a reason to stay home.
Curdbox Subscription
Taureseans’ love language is “not having to get off of the couch.” So nothing says “I love you” to a Taurus quite like a subscription that brings an expertly curated cheese plate kit right to them, at home, on schedule, monthly. It’s one of our top picks for Cheese of the Month Subscriptions. Read our interview with Curdbox founder Jenn Mason.